Vampires

How did this happen?

Vampires are an ancient and powerful supernatural race known primarily for murdering and sucking the blood of innocents a clique at Hogwarts School known primarily for eating cereal with blood and being Goth.

Vampires in Popular Culture

There are four main stages in the evolution of vampires:

1. Dracula by Bram Stoker. The most famous early vampire, Dracula popularized the refined, elegant vampire who preyed on the nobility, in stark contrast to earlier, more bestial versions.
2. Various books by Anne Rice. In these, vampires become central protagonists. The story focuses on their unlives and emotions - it started a new vampire era. As stated that the focus is on the vampire feelings, there are many light homoerotic themes, but focus is not on the sex - vampires in this franchise don't work that way. They find a great pleasure in drinking blood of the living, but they show no interest in sex itself.
3. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Took Anne Rice's ideas even further, but with less obviously homoerotic themes.
4. My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie. Decided that instead of drinking blood or having sex, vampires' favorite activity was cutting their wrists. Sex is okay too, though.

The Great Debate

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Stephenie Meyer and Tara Gilesbie, vampires are now inextricably linked with crap fantasy in the public mind. There is, however, something of a controversy over whose vampires are worse. Let us consider the worst aspects of both types.

Twilight

Meyerpires sparkle in the sun and are all strikingly beautiful. These, and most other complaints about them, are a rejection of "traditional" ideas of what it means to be a vampire. Twilight vampires are compelled to drink blood by a burning thirst. A number of vampires in Twilight reject the idea of drinking human blood, and may hunt animals instead. However, Stephenie Meyer at least preserves the idea that vampires are powerful supernatural beings at odds with humans, even if "at odds" only means that they eat at their own lunch table.

My Immortal

The "vampires" in My Immortal bear absolutely no resemblance to traditional vampires except that they are fond of eating blood, although they do not often bite people's necks. Since it is a Harry Potter fanfic, one may be inclined to think that they are like the wizards from that series, but in reality they are nothing more than Goths. They even cut themselves in order to get blood. They can apparently be overcome by crosses or "steaks". At first, one may assume this is a misspelling of stake, but the same erratum occurs throughout the story. At one point Ebony slits her wrists with a steak in an attempt to kill herself, but instead winds up in The Norse's office in the 90's once more. Vampires may sleep in coffins, as Ebony has one that is black with pink velvet inside. Yet she also has a "gothic red bed". Vampires might also perish in a car crash, as was the case with Navel/Dracola's parents.

Conclusion

The story of western literature over the last century has been that of the degradation of vampires from feared supernatural hunters of the night to the laughingstocks of a site so dumb that it is itself the laughingstock of the rest of the Internet.